Update (Warning: Very introspective post ahead)

So I'm sitting here in the dark since my desk lamp makes a shit load of heat and my room is already baking despite the air conditioner being on full blast. (Which reminds me, anyone know why there are 2 knobs on the thermostat? I have them both set to the lowest it goes... yeah.) Perhaps it's my computer-- in fact, I know it's my computer. Video card temperature idle right now is *checks* 73 degrees Celsius. That's insane and I probably should turn my computer off, but meh.

Anyway I suppose there's quite a bit to update on. I'm a boring person though... I was sick as a dog all today and I still am. I'm pretty sure I had quite a fever as I woke up extremely delerious and sick to my stomach. Despite that fact, I went to my classes today and then slept from about 1:00 - 5:00, went to this psychology research thing for 10 minutes, and then slept again from 6:00-7:30. I felt better after I woke up for the last time, probably due to the exorbitant amount of coffee I had. But now I'm sitting here doing nothing even though I have beaucoup de choses de faire: 2 Psych papers by Friday, one 1000-word essay for English for Tuesday, 2 revised 1000-word essays for English Tuesday, one French journal for Tuesday, and my 7-10pg PolySci final paper for next Friday. Luckily, however, this is my LAST WEEK OF CLASSES BITCHES! Yeah. Pwned. :)

Meh and then there's the pot issue. I've had my few weeks of fun I suppose, but I think I'm drastically cutting down now-- this time, for real. There's no real reason other than the extremely hallucinagenic high I got last night didn't sit too well with me. I dunno how anyone (eh and I know "killer's" gonna dispute this with me) can really deem that fun. It's a control thing, I think. I don't like not being in control of myself and what I do / think. And it kinda also opened to my eyes regarding who I am and how I am perceived. I don't believe this is me and I don't believe those I know want to perceive me as such.

Maybe it's all due to upbringing. I've talked with Johnson about this quite a bit and he tends to agree: When we (me and the rest of you guys from around here) were growing up here it seemed like we did our occasional things here and there at each other's houses (some stuff we may want to put behind us due to the uber-geek factor, others we look back and laugh on, and so forth) but we were never truly introduced to those things that "typical kids do" until we made it to college. I kinda wonder to myself why, but then I realize that we had good times without it. Granted now that we're here you need not do much more than ask Halapy if he could have half the fun he does without a certain something (don't worry Halapy, we know you're not an alcoholic *wink wink* :P) and he'd probably say no. Not saying that's a bad thing-- it's a new thing. It's a new fun that kind of replaces the old fun we used to have back in highschool. Now don't take this as me reminiscing and wishing shit was back to the way it was in 10th and 11th grade, because I'm not. I've moved on, we've all moved on-- it's part of life.

However with that "moving on" comes more of a push towards conformity. "You're in college! Start living!" Away from parents, away from the conservativeness of living at home, one can't really argue the drive for independence and a good time doesn't spark inside of you. For some it sparks a lot more intensely than others, which is the point I'm trying to make. For us, living our adolescence in the confines of the North Hills, the fear of staying out too late, and the ever-growing urge to please / not disappoint our parents (be it through school work or what not) seemed normal. Thus coming to college where we began experiencing almost a diametrically opposed way of life, the will to conform and try new things really began expressing itself strongly. However looking at someone like Johnson's case, where half the shit I've done here at school my Freshman year he's been doing since he was 12, there really is no conformity with him. What he does is his way of life and he's set in that notion. It's him. It's how he describes himself. It's how people describe him.

I guess a good part of me wants to define myself in that way. I want to fit in, I suppose, but at the same time I don't. And I'm not trying to pull an emo-"I don't know where I belong because I'm unique"-type thing... I'm just lacking a definition. I guess with starting to smoke pot regularly I never really thought I'd adopt a perception, but I can tell I did. I find myself hiding it from more and more people-- not because of how they would react, but because I don't want people to change their views about me. I'm content with how people see me, and, again it's an issue about upbringing. Johnson said there were only 4 or so people who didn't smoke pot in his graduating class on a regular basis, so he was kind of forced to due to society. In my graduating class of 404 (was that the number?) I probably couldn't name very many who did simply due to the fact that I never associated with them (and because they probably didn't graduate / get into a decent school). I remember simply dipping on the back of the bus in Jr. year was considered taboo. I'm sure you can imagine how big of a change it was then, for me, rooming with someone like Johnson, who came from a totally different area with an already defined personality. (Don't get me wrong, buddy. Couldn't've asked for a better roommate my first semester.)

So I guess all in all, while I don't believe I led a sheltered life through high school, I wish I could have done more in defining who I am. I feel I wouldn't have these strange conflicts between concience and desires that's forcing me to look at myself this way. Worst part is, the only way one is able to truly find their place is to continue experimenting with new things. And that, in itself, tends to be more difficult for those who grew up with such a pervasive conservative attitude.

We'll see what develops.